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I Started Reading Performatively, and Turns Out Books Are Pretty Good McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Hi, It’s Me, Wikipedia, and I Am Ready for Your Apology McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Clarification on AI from Your CEO McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

At Least We Owned the Libs McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Problem with My City Is That It’s a City McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Sal from Blueberries for Sal Breaks Her Silence McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Strange Little Bird McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Em Dash Responds to the AI Allegations McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Seeking a Nodding Acquaintance McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Letter to Home from a Weary ICE Agent McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Am a Midwestern Girl from a Movie and/or TV Show, and I Am So Excited to Be Here in the Big City McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Friendly Nazis Next Door McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Why I Have Chosen to Perform in the Mordor Comedy Festival McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Life in Europe According to My Semester Abroad McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

How I Learned to Stop Teaching and Love AI McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Thanks for Coming to My Read-Through McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Boxcar Children and the Mystery of the Missing Norms McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Please Remain Civil While Resisting President Nyarlathotep’s Orgy of Nullification McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

An Open Letter to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Who Thinks My Daughter Is a Tragedy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Love You More Than Anything, but I Would Rather Die Than Talk to You on the Phone McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

What the Hell? Facebook Just Labeled My Entire Life as “AI-Generated” McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Used AI to Make a Video That Sucks McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Company Reminder for Everyone to Talk Nicely About the Giant Plagiarism Machine McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Godzilla Defends Its Recent Attacks on Cities McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Copy and Paste Any of These Out-of-Office Replies for Your Personal Use McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

My Season Pass to Burnout Land McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I’m Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative, Which Is Totally Not Meaningless McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Love Movies, by Chat GPT McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I’m a Typo, and in This Age of AI, I’m the Real Hero McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Welcome to My Well-Stocked Pantry of Empty Boxes McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

An Open Letter to ICE Regarding My Potential Disappearance McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

It’s a Shame We Have to Betray Our Allies, Starve the Poor, Halt Scientific Progress, Destroy the Environment, and Eliminate the Freedoms Enshrined in the Bill of Rights, but at Least My Investment Portfolio Is Also Tanking McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I’m a Free-Thinking Centrist with Only Right-Wing Ideas McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

As an American Jew, I Feel Completely Reassured for My Safety Now That Trump Has Targeted the Epicenter of American Antisemitism, Columbia University McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Behold, I Have Ordered a Side Salad Instead of Fries McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Am Running Out of Facts About Red Pandas McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

“I Am the Gap Between Knowing and Saying”: The En Dash Responds to the Em Dash McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Will Pay Any Amount to Not Pay My Taxes McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

This Five-Hundred-Word Bumper Sticker on My Tesla Explains Why I’m Not a Bad Person McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Reviews of New Food: Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I’m Guy Fieri, and I’m Calling Off the Search for the Most Gangster Enchilada in Albuquerque, New Mexico McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Short Conversations with Poets: Derek Mong McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

An Open Letter to the Guy with “Dad” in His LinkedIn Headline McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

If 1980s Teen Movies Took Place Today McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Young Republican Kids Say the Darndest Things McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Secret Diary of a Video Game Horse McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Why I, Cinderella, Support the Supreme Court’s Book Ban McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Am the Servant in the Beast’s Castle Who Was Turned into a Chamberpot, and Nobody Ever Asks Me to Sing McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I’m Starting to Think Grundle the Swamp Monster May Never Drain the Swamp McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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Baby, It’s Me, Polio, and I’ve Missed You McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Acts of Rebellion for the Middle-Aged McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Our Plan for Peace Was Simple: Kill Everyone McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Excerpts from The Believer: Place: The Home Depot McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Taxi Driver If Travis Bickle Really Got into Birdwatching McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Hero of the Memoir McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Forget the Ten Plagues and Escaping, the Pharaoh and His Rich Friends Say They’re on Our Side McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Did You Even Consider Every Possible Lived Experience Before Recklessly Posting Your Chili Recipe on Social Media? McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Day in the Life of a Nonbinary Person, as Imagined by MAGA Republicans McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Finally, My Tax Dollars Are Being Used to Uncover Publicly Available Government Information McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

No One on the Basketball Moms Text Thread Laughed When I Compared Our Winless Season to Billy Joel’s “Goodnight Saigon” McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Trump’s White House Decorator Explains All the Changes McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Our Son Lionel’s Back at School McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Artificial Intelligence Cannot McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Partisans Are Wrong: Holding No Sincere Beliefs Is the Way to Win McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Letters to Moms: A Letter to Back to the Future’s Lorraine Baines-McFly McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I Got My Dog Talking Buttons, and Now He’s Selling Health Insurance McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Introducing ChatPerson McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Elementary School Disciplinary Record of Jesus Christ McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Moms Have a Secret: They Want Cigarettes for Mother’s Day McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

This Isn’t the Future We at Dippin’ Dots Envisioned McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Reviews of New Food: Panera Strawberry Basil Fresca Lemonade McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Despite Massive Cuts to Higher Ed, We Faculty Are Thrilled about Our New Multi-Million-Dollar Football Coach McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

How to Tell the Difference Between a Lone Wolf and a Coordinated Effort by the Radical Left McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

It’s Not Going Great, but Imagine How Much Worse Things Would Be with a Woman President McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

How We Restored Our New York City Loft to an Authentic Nineteenth-Century Sweatshop McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

We Need to Save the Men McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Chicago Pope’s First Changes McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Excerpts from The Believer: Animal: Wild Turkey McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

I’m Headed Back to 2014 McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Chekhov’s Gun, Applied to Motherhood McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Ernest Hemingway’s Shark Week McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Short Conversations with Poets: Dong Li McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Our 24 Most-Read Pieces of 2024 McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

ICE Is Nothing Like the Brownshirts, Because the Brownshirts Actually Identified Themselves McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Short Conversations with Poets: Matthew Zapruder McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Signs the Frog Has Been Boiled McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

1925 or 2025? McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Note About Our New Edition of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

New York Times ’ Style Guide Substitutions for “The President Violated the Constitution” McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Congrats, Dipshit, You’re a Dad Now McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Makes Me So Horny All I Can Think About Is Getting Pregnant Enough Times to Earn a Medal McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Aw, Hell, We Left Big Gert in Space McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Excerpts from The Believer: Resurrector: Signs McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Faculty Member’s Self-Evaluation at the End of the Semester McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Changes Our University Is Making to Pre-Comply with Possible Future Regulations McSweeney’s Internet Tendency