As the lead digital producer* I run a global marketing campaign focusing on banners and low cost browser targeting*Funding the need for ever better ad blockers, the world over.*'produce' is a strong word*so far 0% click throughs have been intentional** Bill Hicks was right*** How is it possible for things to be exactly balanced in stress and futility?

I realised that if I didn't start pretending to care about digital I would become a dinosaur and be like one of those chubby old white men who have some how clung on to their careers in advertising but always look a bit dazed that they're not just sat in a pub guffawing at bartenders and putting hookers on expenses. So I got a job in digital strategy at a 'global' agency where a thousand people do work that could just as easily be done by 5 and everyone is called Ben or Gemma. Except… Show more I realised that if I didn't start pretending to care about digital I would become a dinosaur and be like one of those chubby old white men who have some how clung on to their careers in advertising but always look a bit dazed that they're not just sat in a pub guffawing at bartenders and putting hookers on expenses. So I got a job in digital strategy at a 'global' agency where a thousand people do work that could just as easily be done by 5 and everyone is called Ben or Gemma. Except me. I'm called Hilary and I'm here to ruin your life.PS. Digital strategy is literally the easiest thing I've ever done, it's talking shit and buying likes. #strategy. Show less

Magazines, crisp packets, banner ads, budgets, glory, hole punch, copy writing, posters, brochures, photos, tweets, boobs, hashtags, assets, collateral, delivery, denial, depression.Servers, switchboards, biscuits, mousemats, error message, InDesign, approvals, wet proofs, out of office, acronyms, Typoes, pantones, indigestion, tupperware, milk. Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Humpday, Away Day.Creative, cliché, concept, strategy, leadership, governance, assimilation, market… Show more Magazines, crisp packets, banner ads, budgets, glory, hole punch, copy writing, posters, brochures, photos, tweets, boobs, hashtags, assets, collateral, delivery, denial, depression.Servers, switchboards, biscuits, mousemats, error message, InDesign, approvals, wet proofs, out of office, acronyms, Typoes, pantones, indigestion, tupperware, milk. Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Humpday, Away Day.Creative, cliché, concept, strategy, leadership, governance, assimilation, market research!Logos, videos, guidelines, scamps, planners, migraines, politics, pedants.FMGs, DPSs, JPEGs, PDFsTeam building.Team meeting. Advertising. Show less

It finally happened, I never really believed it would. I got a new job. Media Okra is a digital agency specialising in... Who cares? The point is I've finally left the induced coma that was AGCD-PR&E. It happened when the newly appointed commercial director shook me rudely awake in a 'Personal Evaluation' where he strongly recommended I 'present myself as a team player'.MMEXSQUEEZE ME?I've been to the weddings of three of my colleagues. The head of design owns a… Show more It finally happened, I never really believed it would. I got a new job. Media Okra is a digital agency specialising in... Who cares? The point is I've finally left the induced coma that was AGCD-PR&E. It happened when the newly appointed commercial director shook me rudely awake in a 'Personal Evaluation' where he strongly recommended I 'present myself as a team player'.MMEXSQUEEZE ME?I've been to the weddings of three of my colleagues. The head of design owns a puppy that came out of my nan's dog. The associate creative director lived with me for 3 weeks. I've had sex with at least 4 designers and who even knows how many freelancers?! I drove the receptionist home from her abortion. I cleared the old milk out the fridge at least once a month. I paid for the god damned motherfucking Spotify account out of my own PayPal for 7 months. Fuck you commercial director, you're gonna have ads every three songs now, dickhead. YEESH.Anyway I decided to call it a day and get myself freshened up. And wodyaknow, I'm SENIOR! These days I'm part of a team of account managers; there's an exec who can't spell, a manager who is like me in the old days, me getting paid slightly more than her for no discernible reason, and the director, who keeps correcting me because I lied when they asked me if I'd used their account management software, assuming it was like when I lied about my attention to detail and by the time they found out I'm a mess, it was too late and I was popular. Anyway Media Okra is 'well chill' (their phrase). I had to buy some Converse and an All Saints T-shirt on my second day. I ride a bike to work and wear the lock around my waist. I drink herbal tea and I think bacon is hilarious. So funny. I think I'm supposed to book a skiing holiday and bring my dog to work. I should have done a journalism degree. I really like sans serif. And guess what, I make ads for Spotify. Take that AGCD-PR&EBACON! Show less

I joined AGCD-PR&E intoxicated by the sheer confidence of the acronym. Here I have worked my way all the way along a ladder to become, drum roll please, an ACCOUNT MANAGER! Can I get a whoop whoop for that?When I started account management at AGCD-PR&E, I thought it would be temporary. 5 years later I realise I will probably die here. My colleagues at AGCD-PR&E have seen me grow, from a fledgling account manager with passion, hopes, dreams and aspirations of greatness, into the… Show more I joined AGCD-PR&E intoxicated by the sheer confidence of the acronym. Here I have worked my way all the way along a ladder to become, drum roll please, an ACCOUNT MANAGER! Can I get a whoop whoop for that?When I started account management at AGCD-PR&E, I thought it would be temporary. 5 years later I realise I will probably die here. My colleagues at AGCD-PR&E have seen me grow, from a fledgling account manager with passion, hopes, dreams and aspirations of greatness, into the slightly dumpy, migraine having, house in Walthamstow owning, barrel of sadness you've just 'connected' with. Show less

At Perky & Randall all 'The Girls' are either called Company Directors or Executive Vice Presidents because of something to do with 'a fluid hierarchy' and / or projecting an 'image of success'.Perky & Randall call spamming - 'generating unique link to link consumer awareness'Perky & Randall are responsible for 40% of the press releases, and 67% of the typos in your inbox. Perky & Randall is not a suitable venue for any of the following:Curly hairTrainersA… Show more At Perky & Randall all 'The Girls' are either called Company Directors or Executive Vice Presidents because of something to do with 'a fluid hierarchy' and / or projecting an 'image of success'.Perky & Randall call spamming - 'generating unique link to link consumer awareness'Perky & Randall are responsible for 40% of the press releases, and 67% of the typos in your inbox. Perky & Randall is not a suitable venue for any of the following:Curly hairTrainersA wry sense of humourSarcastic remarksA philosophical understanding of the futility of advertisingA serious hangover. GlutenPerky & Randall proudly supports:Kitten heelsPony tailsSheer tightsEyelinerSquealing BulimiaGossipQuinoaI left Perky & Randall, because it was shit. Show less

Imagine my delight when I was invited by The Suits, to leave behind the dirty cups and paper cuts of office management, and join the lofty heights of the account managers. DELIGHT!Account managers, with their draws full of Nurofen and lunch and spare high heels. Imagine, me! Walking to work in tightly laced Asics! Getting shouted at by artworkers, bullied by clients and patronised by the MD and his various ass-istants all in the name of GROWTH Hilary! Progress! Mankind's most… Show more Imagine my delight when I was invited by The Suits, to leave behind the dirty cups and paper cuts of office management, and join the lofty heights of the account managers. DELIGHT!Account managers, with their draws full of Nurofen and lunch and spare high heels. Imagine, me! Walking to work in tightly laced Asics! Getting shouted at by artworkers, bullied by clients and patronised by the MD and his various ass-istants all in the name of GROWTH Hilary! Progress! Mankind's most baleful measures of success. I took the opportunity and I ran with it. I said growth! I said Synergy! I said Strategy! I said it all and I LOVED it. For about 2 weeks. Then I found out it didn't come with a raise and I still made the tea. Show less

Pigeons is a melting platforms boutique branding emporium dedicated to unique approach asset excitement. Pigeons is an innovation agency full of original ideas from pinterest. They create and innovate their unique approach to client needs which they specialise in creating. Digital gurus, creative consultants, dedicated teams dedicated to your creative strategic digital content assets. As the office manager I was the hub, the nucleus, the nerve center, the face, the legs, the… Show more Pigeons is a melting platforms boutique branding emporium dedicated to unique approach asset excitement. Pigeons is an innovation agency full of original ideas from pinterest. They create and innovate their unique approach to client needs which they specialise in creating. Digital gurus, creative consultants, dedicated teams dedicated to your creative strategic digital content assets. As the office manager I was the hub, the nucleus, the nerve center, the face, the legs, the secretary. I stopped biting my nails because it was 'unsightly'. I ordered in-office massages and organised the Christmas party. I did not make any official complaints. I was the last person ever to use a fax machine. I spent £1000 on a 'bean to cup' coffee machine. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I walked the Creative Director's dogs. Once 'Artichoke' did a poo on the office floor and I picked it up because everyone else was in a meeting. After meetings I would order cabs and tidy away the sandwiches. I was the youngest girl in the office. I opened the post and I photocopied presentations. I learned how to use the ring-binder. Show less

At Dirk I worked with Google alerts and wore a shirt and heels that hurt. My nylon skirt would sometimes flirt and then the Director groped me.I complained and tried to shame the wealthy name that touched me. But I was young with a lovely bum so no one took me seriously and I got fired.