Miracle Whip

When I was six years old, I single-handedly ended the Great Depression in America. People were spreading me on everything, making everything delicious (first miracle). Pretty soon, the US economy ticked up (second miracle). FDR’S NEW DEAL was originally called, “The New Meal”, but they’ll never put that in the history books. It’s all good. I’m still here. Name a better OG spread that’s still tangy AF. I’ll wait. A true condiment that can adapt to anything, I am ready to make that bland thing you’re holding in your hands rn into something worth putting your phone down for. That is if, and only IF...you like flavor. If your taste buds haven’t burned off from eating gochujang, or worse— mayo (Gross!). WAKE tf up and make meal miracles with me, one tangy taste at a time. If you’re tired of fancy schmancy spreads and condiments that just capitalize on hipster exoticism and “What is the next Sriracha?” culture, and yearn for something more American than two bald eagles ripping beer bongs over Mount Rushmore while they riff jams from the 1984 classic with the jeans and the ballcap in the back pocket, in front of Old Glory (You know what I’m talking about, track 1 obviously). I’m not only the spread you’ve been waiting for, but also the spread that been here all a-f***ing-long. EXPERIENCE/SKILLS: Literally. A. Miracle. 85 years of being tangy AF Spreadable. Edible. Incredible. Synergistic Sandwichstry expertise Gold Standard Recipe Def not mayo Creamy like a dream Def not mayo